Dear Me: A Gentle Reminder That Today’s Struggles are Tomorrow’s Growth

Dear Me…

I’m struggling once again. Everything just feels like it’s changing and I’m stuck with my feet in cement. Or maybe it’s me that's changing and everything around me is stuck. Either way, I feel lost.

For one, everyone around me seems to be into doing things that I’m not interested in. They’re going to parties and getting drunk or high. I’ve tried it before, but it makes me feel awful and honestly causes my anxiety to be even worse than it is without those things in my system. Lately, anytime I’ve been invited, I’ve made up reasons why I couldn’t go. But I think I’ve declined so many invitations at this point, the amount of invites I've been getting is less and less. Part of me doesn’t really mind, because it means I don’t have to make up lies and then remember them. The other part of me feels like I’m isolating myself from people I should want to hang out with. Honestly, I’d rather stay home and read a book than be out somewhere that makes me uncomfortable. But then at school, I feel left out of conversations because I wasn’t there when whatever his name is body slammed and broke the beer pong table in half. In theory, it sounds like fun, but for my anxiety, it’s a nightmare.

It hasn’t helped that I’ve been stuck in my own head a lot though either. After Chase and I said goodbye as he left for college, I knew that was the end of whatever we had between us. He promised it wouldn’t be, but I just knew. And I was right. Barely 2 months into his first semester he called and told me about Evelyn and how he “slipped up.” I took a lot of shit from him throughout high school, so I thought when the time came, it wouldn’t phase me as much as it did. Clearly I was wrong. I just keep asking myself what I did wrong. How could I have prevented it from happening? Was it something I didn’t do? I guess I’ll never know. At least at this point, I’ve gotten really good at hiding how I really feel when I’m around others, but even though it’s been months, I still cry myself to sleep at night. Pathetic, I know. I just really thought I loved him and he loved me. I don’t know how I can ever trust another guy ever again.

Dads also been on me about college and what I want to do with my life. The problem is, I have no idea. I thought maybe I wanted to be a lawyer, but I don’t even know if I’m smart enough for that. Or tough enough. I think if someone was mean to me in court, I’d just cry. I thought about being a nurse too, but then you have to work crazy hours and holidays. I have to figure something out soon, because applications are going to be due and I’ve only filled one out so far.

My sister seems to have her life, so… together. She has a really close group of girlfriends and they all like to do the same things. Even though they’re younger than me, I like to hang out with them sometimes. I’ve always wanted a group of friends, but I only have two best friends, who don’t know each other. I’m thankful to have them, at least. But I feel like I can’t even talk to them about the thing that has me so depressed because I think they’re sick of hearing me talk about it and I don’t want to be a burden. 

Every day just feels the same. I get up, stare at all of the things I hate about my body before I get into the shower,  drag myself to school, try to eat at least once during the day, come home and finish my homework, lay in my room and watch tv or read a book, repeat. There’s got to be more to life than this. A part that feels happier. More exciting. Maybe, more fulfilling? I don’t know. But I’ll keep trying to find it. I just hope that when I’m out in the world as adult, things are better than this. Part of me wonders if it ever actually will be, and that scares me. 

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Dear Younger Me, 

It all turned out better than okay. We went through a lot of change, quickly realizing change is inevitable and that if we don’t just embrace it, things will always seem bad. We spent a lot of quality time with ourselves, but instead of seeing it as a bad thing, we started to enjoy it. We found activities that make us happy. Relaxed even. We went to therapy, for years. Even started a medication for our anxiety. We learned how to love ourselves, even the parts that aren’t our favorite, and we learned how to set boundaries and stick to them. Now, we never care if we miss out on an event that was of no interest to us, because we know it's more important to protect our peace than to force ourselves to do something we don’t have any good feelings about. We met a boy who never raises his voice, calls us names or makes us cry. He supported and cheered us on all throughout school and eventually he became our husband. Now he’s the best daddy to our babies and he takes such good care of us. We lost some friends, but our best friend is still our best friend, and now we even have a group of girlfriends. They’ve been there through every big milestone for the past 14 years and are supportive and encouraging too. 

In terms of a career, we finally found what we love when we turned 29. It was a long road that included a job or two that we absolutely loathed, but now we’re onto something better than we ever imagined. That boy who broke us into a million pieces? He never crosses our mind. He was a blip in time that didn’t really matter in the end.

I could keep going but I guess what I really want you to know is this….It all ends up okay. Even the hard things. They shaped us into who we are, and who we are is pretty freaking great. Life isn’t always easy, change is inevitable, and the things we thought we wanted weren’t always meant for us because we were born for better than we can sometimes even plan for ourselves. Not everyone is nice or has good intentions, but it shouldn’t change the way you treat others, because you are a good person. Saying no just because you don’t feel like doing something, is okay, you don’t need an excuse and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are your biggest critic and the flaws and issues you see in yourself are rarely noticed by others. What is noticed though, is your character and your morals. Misery, loves company. Don’t fall for it. See through manipulation. Know your value and worth, and don’t base those things on others' opinions of you, how many friends you have, how many boys want to get with you or how much money you make. Quality time alone is just as important as quality time with loved ones. Don’t break your boundaries or put your own mental health at risk just to please others. No matter what you do, you can’t make everyone happy. Don’t let people walk all over you, you’re not a doormat. Make your feelings and needs heard and don’t lose your voice just to cater to someone else’s needs instead. Be considerate. Be kind. Think before you speak and don’t speak out of anger, words cannot be taken back even with an apology. But all in all, just know that it gets better, even when it’s hard. Even when things suck. Even when it feels like it’s never ending. It does. Because in life, nothing remains forever and that’s both beautiful and heartbreaking